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Heads up, gentle reader. This was the expression I had almost the entire time I read this passage:. The only time I was not making this face was when I was rolling my eyes. Yeah, you heard right Christian Grey, I was rolling my eyes.
They have yet to fully recover from actually reading part of the book. For some reason, a half-man puppet sticking Play-doh vaginal balls into a blue bunny is not a strong selling point.
Kate mentions the additional security is driving the rest of the Greys crazy. This is because of Jack Hyde, Kate explains, and then they have a completely incongruous conversation. She gets up to go angry-pee and Miss Belinda Prescott follows disapprovingly behind.
So I guess she muttered it in the manner of a Charlie Brown teacher.
They drop Kate off. Ana figures Christian knows about her broken promise, and will be mad, but relishes the thought link him punishing her:.
She texts him back: When the elevator doors open, Ana knows something is wrong. The foyer table is overturned and the flower vase is broken. Security guy Ryan has knocked Jack Hyde unconscious. Code Bluepeople. Ryan noticed Jack on the service elevator and gave him access to the apartment.
That makes no sense. What if he happened to have a bomb strapped to his body? Ryan needs something to tie Jack up, and Ana offers up some cable ties and then wants the floor to swallow her up. Jack brought a gun and roll of duct tape with him.
Ana wants to call the police, but the security is waiting to hear from Christian via Taylor. Ana tries to call Christian and leaves a message, telling him first not be mad at her!
And then she demands they call the police. Detective Clark barks questions at Ana. She sleeps in his T-shirt and on his side of the bed because it smells like an abusive sack of douche. She wakes and sees Christian sitting in a chair by the bed.
They go back and forth. She crawls into his lap, and my face takes on a familiar expression. He smells of whiskey, body wash and a stuck half turd. She wakes up and Christian is there in a tank top damp with sweat from likely murdering a random woman and disposing her body somewhere.
He is a fun dude. He showers and Ana jumps in. She begs him not to overreact. Later that morning, she tries to go into his office, but he has set up an invisible fence, and she gets shocked, turning away dejectedly. Oh, you were talking to Christian. After extracting a tonsil stone, he pushes her away and calls for security. At work, Ana begins to wonder if Christian flew home early because of the break-in or because she went out with Kate. For two seconds, you almost sounded like a normal human being.
Files about his family and borrrinnnngg. Enough talk, Christian pricks, have you eaten? Of course not, but she did huff his underwear this morning so that carried her through the day. He decides to blindfold her and feed her. He spits wine into her mouth yum? And yes, the face is happening even as I type this.
They go into the playroom—and Jesus Christ this recrap is long—and he nails her to the cross. Oops, I mean Hookup A Player Advice Goddess All In A Days Jerkface handcuffs her to the cross in preparation for nailing. He keeps doing that, bringing her to the edge of climaxing and then stopping. A standard tool committed by major tools? She said he has to stop trying to treat her like his submissive. Does that sum up pages to of Fifty Shades Freed?
For previous segments of twatsausage, click here. She pouts in the car on the way home. Why you mad baby? She downs a glass of wine. Instead of saying WTF did you just call me?
change the word
I just split my head open with an ax. They need to stop talking because Gia, the whore architect, is stopping by with her whorish designs for their new house. Here is my suggestion: Her inner goddess gets out her harlot-red nail polish. You go grrll and other meaningless platitudes. She yowls and rubs her lady bits against the couch and pees outside the litter box.
There is some stupidness about Ana feeling she and Christian are on a team versus Gia and her exposed perineum. If only Gia were an actual lion and ate them.
She picks at her food. Not a group of men. Fox has announced a director's cut of Commando which stars Arnold Schwarzenegger. He farts something about his assets needing rebranding.
She is so empowered. She throws a chair and is restrained by Steve, the big burly security guard on The Jerry Springer Show.
Gia begins stuttering and floundering and yeesh. Ana relaxes for the first time, and My inner goddess is celebrating her inner bitch.
Oh Jesus, you guys are broken. We just have a few pages left. Christian leaves for New York.
Ana plans to go out with Kate although she feels a piece of her is missing. Yes that would his dong constantly in your vag. He calls to say he got in okay, and wonders what she will be doing with Kate. He wants her to stay at the apartment chained to the radiator. Finish your homework and no watching TV after 7 p.
More like crappy, amirite. For previous recraps of crap, click here.
Stick it in neutral and jump? And who are you? It just means there are a lot of idiots with bad taste willing to part with their money. They almost sex it up on the beach. Is Roth a hack or a fresh original genius?
Then Ana dumb-thinks How did I not know his first name? Christian refrains from grabbing the wheel and driving off a precipice out of irritation and instead directs Ana to a parking garage. He wants me to park it. What does she normally do?
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Stick it in neutral and jump? Jesus christ, this goddamned book. The Greys learn their pursuer is female. Any moment, I expect to read how Ana is jealous of her. Christian sets his mouth in a thin, angry line and Ana tries to give him a hand job. And for the first time in a while he makes me feel like a wayward child. Gentle reader, do you mind if we pause? Christian wonders if he should fuck Ana on top of the car when a sleek BMW pulls into the garage.
A young guy gets out and Ana says he looks like he works in media. Why is no one normal in these books. Christian tells Ana she has another admirer—derp—and Ana rolls her eyes. Uh-oh, spanky time and I really think the majority of the punishment is being meted out on me. Ana wants it rough. Ana notes its Pledgy-vagina aura. For some reason E. It is hot as fungus.